Nomophobia and The Curse of The Mobile Phone
written by Nick Cernis on May 1st, 2008
Addicted to your mobile phone?
You’re not alone. Madonna actually sleeps with hers.
They started off as a bonus, but those opposable thumbs of ours are rapidly becoming a terrible curse; one that will no doubt lead to our ultimate downfall under the webbed feet of an unseen creature far more devious than ourselves: the duck-billed catypuss.
That’s right: the catypussies are coming. And they’ve got beaks.
This light-hearted guide documents the 14 breeds of nomophobic, the 5 drugs, and how to overcome them all and beat your mobile habit. Before it’s too late.
Nomophobia: the fear of being mobile-less
The fear of having no mobile phone is common, but the term is fairly recent. It was first brought to my attention by the wonderful Armand B. Frasco of Moleskinerie, and is documented with regular updates at the delightful Nomophobics Anonymous blog.
Nomophobia: the 14 breeds
Nomophobics are all around us. Don’t believe me? Check out the breeds:
1. The pocket patter
In times of old, it was common to check for essential belongings by crossing your chest whilst internally uttering “spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch”.
Today, this has been superseded by a new ritual: the frantic pocket pat. Pocket patters are recognisable by the sort of desperate self-patting that you’d be forgiven for associating with a retired nightclub bouncer in mid-breakdown.
A common breed of nomophobic, pocket patters seek to reassure themselves that their phone was exactly where they left it. Four seconds ago.
2. The human antenna
Human antennae are a rare breed of nomophobic found primarily in areas of poor signal quality.
Characterised by a craned neck and giraffe-like stance, human antennae stretch up high to hold their phones at arms length. The baffling behaviour stems from a daft belief that the additional altitude will maximise signal quality and capture any stray text messages that their devices were unable to “see” when they were one metre lower down. [image by dajobe]
3. The thumbosaurus
A rare but growing breed, the thumbosaurus has devolved through excessive use of text messaging as its primary form of communication.
The thumbosaurus is a human that appears to have ten thumbs, due simply to the speed of its texting. Many scholars refuse to acknowledge the existence of the beasts, but have no doubt — the creatures exist. Exactly how many thumbs they have is all that remains up for debate.
While they often shy away from direct human contact, you’ll often find them in dark corners of Starbucks and other popular hangouts, accompanied by a frantic clacking sound like a Geiger counter on the blink. [image by macinate ]
4. The signal seeker
Ah, the wonders of the signal seeker! A step up the evolutionary scale from the human antenna, the signal seeker is the modern-day Indiana Jones, desperately in search of its holy grail: The Five Bars.
For a signal seeker, finding the five bars of signal strength far outclasses a night of passion or a round-the-world trip. The Five Bars consume them: every waking thought and action is dedicated to capturing the perfect signal.
Signal seekers are known for flitting between areas with periodic 10-second stops, as well as standing on park benches (a sign of evolution), and muttering under their breath to the gods of reception. (“Damn you, T-Mobile!” or “Five bars! Thank you, Vodafone!”)
Recently a strange phenomenon known as “signal tagging” has emerged, where fellow Seekers will graffiti The Sign of The Five Bars in areas thought to hold the perfect signal. [image adapted from jackace]
5. The textwalker
Textwalkers are the technological undead. They don’t sleep, they don’t eat, and they don’t notice lamp posts.
As well as bumping into things (people, street furniture, traffic etc.), textwalkers are characterised by an inhuman desire to send text messages, but never at the expense of ambling blindly onward.
Given enough time to stumble in the direction of their apparent choosing, it is thought that every single textwalker in the world would arrive at the exact same point: a tiny beacon at the Northern tip of Finland with the Nokia logo scrawled upon its surface by magic trolls.
Rumour has it that breaking this device would release textwalkers from the spell. Sadly, its exact location has never been pin-pointed. [image by Sam Smith ]
6. The light keeper
Light keepers are those brave individuals blessed with the gift of adaptivity.
While they have long written-off any hope of receiving a text message or phone call, light keepers choose to have their mobiles on their person anyway, in case they’re suddenly plunged into darkness at an inopportune moment.
When faced with a situation requiring immediate illumination, light keepers simply pluck their phones from their pockets and mash a random key every 5 seconds until they’ve located the keyhole on their car, or the bottle of 1787 Chateau Lafite that’s been calling to them from the cellar.
Needless to say, the thought of being without their gift of the light at a time when they need it most is terrifying to a light keeper, hence their inclusion in this list. [image by Monceau]
7. The 3-minute fidget
What could be better than receiving a message from a loved one or friend? The simple pleasure of having someone contact you has given birth to a strange breed of nomophobic called the 3-minute fidget.
These poor souls are condemned to check their devices for new messages every 180 seconds forevermore, in spite of the fact their phones are designed to alert them to incoming events by vibrating violently and playing the theme tune from Mission Impossible.
Evidently, no amount of vibrating will shake any sense into the 3-minute fidget, so this is one breed that we’ll be seeing much more of.
8. The ‘conversationalist’
The ‘conversationalist’ is a rather annoying variety whose name is blessed with its own quotation marks for good reason: the ‘conversations’ they insist upon sharing with the world are distinctly lacking in purpose or privacy.
‘Conversationalists’ take pride in sharing their (often one-sided) chats with everyone around them, and have been known to get caught out on occasion when the phone they’re busy talking into starts to ring.
Determined fakers and notorious con-artists, ‘conversationalists’ are social vermin who take pleasure in dropping loud key words and phrases into their very public conversations, such as “I’ve picked up a cheeky little Merlot” and “must dash, darling — I’ve doubled-parked the Boxter”. [image from Yogi ]
9. The workaholic
Common in Japan, the workaholic leverages their mobile phone to get extra working hours out of their day under the false belief that more time spent with email equals higher productivity.
Often seen using multiple phones at once, the workaholic will have been offered their phone as a ‘gift’ from a ‘generous boss’, oblivious to the trap of extending their 9-5 job to a 7-7 one by transforming their morning and evening commute into unpaid working time.
Workaholics are invariably 3-minute fidgets as well. To a workaholic, the thought of not responding to an email within 3 minutes of its arrival is terrifying. Many now use services which actually push new mail to them as soon as it arrives, like a terrifying digital drip feed. Sisyphus had it easy. [image by JanneM]
10. The ant. eater
Sadly, this breed is thought to be on the verge of extinction.
Ever since its natural food source — the antenna — learned to hide itself away, appearances of the ant. eater have declined rapidly.
The fall of the ant. eater has been further compounded by the growing social pressure placed on the breed to drop their habit combined with the lack of nutrients the antenna offers. [image by Kevin ]
11. The generator
Ah, the generator! The most paranoid of all nomophobes, generators are desperately concerned with their phones’ battery life to the point where they carry a myriad of adaptors, spare batteries, and energy-generating tools.
These devices are often larger than the phone itself, including some which harness the power of the sun to keep their “precious” alive for an extra 7 minutes. Generators will do anything to avoid a flat battery, including but not limited to: breaking into property to steal power, running extension cables from communal power supplies, and ordering bulk stocks of batteries from Hong Kong on eBay. [image by Mely-o ]
12. The trumper
The trumper is a particularly curious breed who prides him or herself in possessing the most expensive or exclusive phone in the room. Trumpers are common at business lunches and record deals, where meetings begin by revealing one’s “hand” — each player must take it in turns to remove his or her mobile from their pocket and lay it on the table.
While no written rules are known to exist, games of MobiPoker usually revolve around crude monetary value — a Bang and Olufsen Serene is known to trump a mere iPhone, whilst the rather disgusting $310,000 Vertu Cobra from Nokia is thought to trump the lot.
On one particularly nasty occasion in Las Vegas when two Vertu Cobras were placed on the same table by separate trumpers, the room erupted in a furore of disbelief, resulting in a drunken bar fight which lasted until the early hours and claimed many expensive handsets. [image from mattieb]
13. The medallionist
The medallionist is a class and gender-neutral breed whose habit involves wearing a phone around their neck on a lanyard or chain.
A natural hierarchy emerges amongst medallionists, whereby those higher up the pecking order carry more devices in their chosen fashion.
The most this author has ever seen is a neck-busting 5 phones around the throat of a city trader, several of which were ringing at once.
Closet medallionists are common; many don’t display their phone openly, choosing instead to wear them around their neck under a jumper or t-shirt. Alas — they’re not fooling anyone. [image adapted from roadkillbuddha]
14. The reluctant convert
Reluctant converts are increasing in number. They are typically characterised by subtle begrudging glances at the phones they once refused to see the benefit of.
RCs operate on the principle that pretending to be technologically inept is often very useful, for example, when avoiding a call from their other half. The line “I’m sorry I didn’t text you about the all night pub-crawl, dear. These new-age gizmos are just too much for my tired, arthritic hands” is unlikely to be met by much condemnation.
The unmentionables
There are several other breeds that didn’t make the list, among them the mobile driver and the mobile DJ. Sadly, both are endangered species. (Natural selection can be brutal.)
Frankly, neither the idiots who drive cars whilst text messaging nor the brats who play music on the move without headphones need the encouragement that being on a list might offer them.
The 5 Drugs
Education is the first step to prevention. Knowing the drugs today could save you from sliding down the electronic pipes of no return tomorrow.
Don’t just say ‘no’
If offered any of the drugs below, don’t just say ‘no’. Instead, remember the 3-step system your gran taught you:
Step 1) Offer them a cookie
Step 2) Hit them with a rolling pin
Step 3) Practise looking harmless until the law arrives
Drug 1: iPhetamines
The lowdown: Ever since Stevey J announced his glorious lozenge of touchy-feely goodness, the damned drugs are everywhere. You can’t turn a virtual page online without having the things pushed on you.
The dealer: Steve Jobs of Apple. Shockingly, the main dealer of iPhetamines also sits on the board of children’s long-time favourite megabrand, Disney. (Perhaps that’s why they’ve been producing crap musicals instead of quality animation recently.)
The price: iPhetamines have a ridiculously high street value online and off, and have been known to go for as much as $800 on eBay. (That’s right, kids — eBay pedals drugs now.) Word on the street is that a new, highly-concentrated dose will hit cities near you this Summer. Don’t delay — start baking those cookies today.
Drug 2: CrackBerries
The lowdown: Love your CrackBerry with a passion? You’re what’s known in the fruit trade as a CrackBerry addict. CrackBerry trees are now being farmed in their millions in South America, where the produce is packed and transported to 7 continents using an army of specially-trained long haul parrots.
The dealer: An organisation who cunningly call themselves BlackBerry in order to operate legally and mask their true purpose.
The price: CrackBerries vary tremendously in price depending upon grade and colour. The much sought-after “golden berry” commands the highest fee, with reported street prices of almost $500 per hit.
Drug 3: Androids
The lowdown: Androids are an umbrella term for a wide group of prototype drugs that vary in appearance but share a common chemical element that gives them their characteristic mellow high. Androids are sourced openly by much of the technorati, and have become especially popular with Computer Science graduates.
The dealer: Controversially, the much-loved Google is to blame for spreading Androids. It is thought to have leveraged its strength as a global superpower by collaborating with several key manufacturers and distributors to build a consortium whose might is not yet fully known.
The price: Android is a new drug that exists only in strictly-controlled labs and test areas. While some have hoped that Google will push their philosophy of freeconomics and provide free narcotics for all, speculators and pundits think this unlikely, and suggest that the drugs will start at around $250 when they hit the mass market later this year.
Drug 4: Brick
The lowdown: Brick is often misconstrued as a dirty drug due to the old, re-hashed ingredients that are cut-in with newer accessories. Characterised by its large size and broken appearance, Brick is often stamped with a small logo that becomes increasingly hard to read due to its cracked and crumbled surface.
The dealer: Brick is sold by a variety of second hand merchants with questionable trading histories. Often fronted by seemingly legitimate businesses such as newsagents or ice cream stands, the Brick trade is hard to detect and almost impossible to police.
The price: Brick can be purchased for as low as $5 a hit. Due to the price, many addicts stay hooked on Brick without ever being tempted onto higher-class drugs.
Drug 5: PDA
The lowdown: PDA is a semisynthetic drug and well-known psychedelic immortalised in the famous Bootles song, Percy in the Ditch with Annie. The drug is now widely distributed in various forms, and continues to be a hit amongst busy city workers and travellers.
The dealer: PDA is a popular drug and dealers are commonplace. Among them is the Palm company, a name possibly chosen for the sweaty hand condition that users of PDA are thought to develop.
The price: Marketed as an executive drug, PDA is commonly pedalled at around $300.
Beating nomophobia: how to break free
My name is Nick and I was once a nomophobic. How did I break free? After I admitted that I had a problem with excessive mobile phone use, I followed these three simple steps:
Step 1. Downgrade
In a world obsessed with upgrading our cars, homes, and lifestyles, you’d be forgiven for thinking that upgrading your phone offered some kind of measurable benefit. Often, it simply doesn’t.
Downgrading your phone dramatically is the easiest way to beat your addiction. When the itch to send email, take videos and photos, listen to music, and browse the ‘net on your phone is removed, it becomes a real challenge to actively waste time using it.
While trumpers and workaholics will be horrified at the idea of dropping their CrackBerry habit for Brick, downgrading in this way will do them the world of good. It’s possible to find a simple, attractive second hand phone for around $30-$50 if you buy well. Be brave! Be different! Be kinder on your bank balance! Downgrade today. [image by P1r]
Step 2. Cut down use
Once you’ve downgraded, the next step is to cut down the use of your phone. This starts simply and builds up to prepare us for step three: a) Turn your phone off at night b) Train your friends and colleagues to contact you by email before they call or text c) Leave your phone at home for one day when you go out
Step 3. Go cold-turkey
Now that you’ve downgraded and cut down your general mobile use, it’s time for your biggest test yet — to go without your mobile for one week.
Turning off your phone and leaving it at the bottom of your sock drawer for a week is a true test and the best way to convince yourself that you no longer depend on the bloody thing. Trust me: the freedom is glorious. [image by brioso ]
Important notes
1. Tell your friends and family if you’re not planning to answer your phone for a week. That way they won’t have the search parties out when you’re not contactable by mobile.
2. If you’re worried about losing work or opportunities, forget about it. The value to your personal wellbeing is far higher.
3. Set your answerphone message to tell callers to contact you via email – explain about your “no mobile week” if you want to. (This will help counteract points 1 and 2 above.)
4. Don’t sacrifice your safety: If you know you’re going to be walking through a rough area or travelling alone for the first time in a foreign country, do take your phone as a safety measure. While mobile phone addiction is a problem, being alone and scared for your safety is worse. Use your own discretion here: stay safe, stay happy!
5. Addiction is a serious issue: While it’s fun to joke about addiction to mobile phones, other forms present a more serious problem for millions everyday. If you know someone who’s battling an addiction, be a good friend and help them to find the free help they need.
A final warning from the catypussies
Just in case you thought I was fibbing, here’s an artist’s impression of a catypuss.
Next time you take your mobile with you when you shouldn’t have, listen out for them. They’ll be quacking away in the shadows, watching your every step and plotting the demise of mankind.
Don’t stop to look around! By that time it will be too late…
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1 May 08
21:05
Joshua Clanton
Oh my. This was hilarious! I’m not too addicted to my cell phone, but I know some who are.
But why is there no mention of the people who always wear their wireless headphones and appear to talk to themselves in supermarkets?
1 May 08
23:05
Hayley
Now you’ve got me thinking about whether I should upgrade my brick to a Viewty! I have had it 4 years and the joystick thingy sticks a lot, but it technically does still work. However, the camera only has about 10 pixels (minus the duff one in the middle), though again, according to your article, I don’t need a camera at all. Ho hum…
2 May 08
00:05
GirlPie
MAN! I was just about to ask how often you post because I’ve been wanting new/more, and man! This was well worth the wait. Funny, clever, on target, and way to0 thorough — a great post to share. If you made this into a 10-episode series on YouTube, Eisner would be at your door — very funny. And it’s great that you went to the trouble of finding all those images — really swell.
But we’ll also be happy with the short & snappy posts to fill in the gaps between the long & worthy posts! Keep up the good work! (And do you have a regular posting sked? I try to avoid disappointment if I can schedule around it.)
2 May 08
02:05
halek
I know I’m supposed to fear the Duck-Billed Catypuss but I just want to squish it with love! Too cute!
Brilliant stuff Nick!
2 May 08
05:05
Tei of Rogue Ink
Oh, Nick.
::sigh::
I heart you. Why is it always so long between posts? I’m busting tail to get one a day out and you go and do something spectacular like this.
Hey. Is quality, by any chance, better than quantity?
DAMN it.
I went to Rome. I had no cell phone. And you know what? I survived just fine. You forget about it after the first week. Unless you’re the catypuss. Then you might be in trouble.
For a brief and wonderful moment, I thought Spellcheck was not going to correct ‘catypuss’. But then my dreams were shattered.
::sigh::
2 May 08
06:05
Cory
Funny stuff :)
As an aside: I love my iPhone because of its (pre-jailbreak) lack of bells and whistles. Simplicity encourages – perhaps even augments – interaction with the real world (e.g., a useful calender/map = less time entering appointments and more time to actually remember/find them). It’s a very satisfying feeling when someone is critical of the iPhone only to be baffled by how quickly they fall in love with it as well. That’s where the smugness comes from; not from the fanboyism, contrary to popular belief. ;)
Thanks for consistently delivering enjoyable and insightful articles, Nick!
2 May 08
06:05
Cory
Oh, and I really wish someone would tell the older gentlemen (and everyone else, too) that bluetooth headsets do not in fact “enhance your image.” http://tinyurl.com/3m2upu
2 May 08
12:05
Tatankanuk
I’m reading tis on my PDA phone… I need help…
2 May 08
13:05
Adarsh
Wow!This was very funny.I started reading skeptically,well mobiles are ubiquitous and for a reason,but some people do need the this kind of awakening.Make sure they can surf this on their Crackberries and iPhetamines.
Cheers
Adarsh.
2 May 08
19:05
Kelly
Nick,
Great post! I am a “what do you have with zero features” kinda chick when it comes to my cell phone, which does cut down on the addictive potential, but that wouldn’t be me anyway. I’m too accessible as it is, I don’t want more!
I love leaving home without the cell once in a while. It’s unbelievably freeing, except the occasional worry that this will be when a tire goes flat or some such.
Re: various wireless headsets—I despise that. Just not cool to look like a nut unless I walk a 360 around you. Where I live, you might be a nut, so the 360 is not necessarily a safe walk!
I know some of every one of your types. LOL at the entire post, thanks!
Regards,
Kelly
3 May 08
07:05
Robert A. Henru
Very interesting post! =)
I like the idea of downgrading. It’s very much important I believe. In every opportunity of getting a new phone, we’re almost always trying to get something much better, where actually we don’t really need it.
Thanks for the ideas!
Robert
6 May 08
08:05
Clay Collins | The Growing Life
This is so well done. Thanks for the good laugh(s).
20 May 08
20:05
Barbara Swafford
This post is hilarious, but sadly true.
The best thing I like about my cell phone is the “off” button. I use it often.
21 May 08
05:05
Shawn
Does that make me a nomomaniac? I don’t hate cell phones, I just never got much use out of one.
Anyway, great posts. Keep ‘em coming.
1 Jun 08
07:06
Suzanne Bird-Harris | Learning Curve Coaching
So I guess if my cell phone has been sitting here on my desk for the last 3 days deader than a doornail and I’m in no rush to get it charged back up, I’m safe?
I’ve actually been shopping around for a downgrade for my phone. All I do is make and receive calls on it. I do not text, use email or the Internet…I just need to answer or make a damn call when away from the office! Sheesh!
Thank you for this post…I laughed and I felt just a tad superior for a brief moment. Usually, it’s me getting weird looks when I tell people, “Don’t text me - I don’t have texting on my phone.”
10 Jun 08
19:06
Christina
Hysterical! I didn’t want it to end. I was once slightly addicted to my phone until I moved to Costa Rica. Now I have no phone, period and damn I feel so much better.
It’s really a relief to break free. Email and a 2nd world country have given me peace, for once.
Thanks!